keepingtime
11-10-06 18:58
so, the boyfriend that i so lamely wrote about last time is no longer my boyfriend. i want to be strong this time, i just want to be angry, but i'm hardly mad at him at all. i want to talk to him, i want him to hold and i want everything to be okay. i just don't know what to do right now. part of says it should be over forever (the smart part of me) but i just can't help thinking that if he asked i would take him back in a heartbeat. part of me even wants to beg him to take me back. i know that i'm so pathetic right now but i'm just hurting. i've been really okay up until tonight and i just broke down. i just feel like i need him. i'm sure i don't, but he's been my best friend for two years even though we've only been dating for one of them. i love him with all my heart and i wish that i didn't because it's making everything that much worse. i just, want to go back in time, i want to think that he wasn't pretending or that he wasn't lying to me. i just want to forgive him completely and for everything to be the way it used to be. the worst part is that i don't even know if it can ever be the same. i've trustes him with my heart and he's shattered it twice. i know that if he could do that then he doesn't really love me as much as he says he does. i'm not mad at him at all and i hate myself. i hate myself for loving him so much, for giving so much of myself to him. right now i feel like my lungs are going to collapse. i just don't know what to do.
keepingtime