bloody nose 12-13-06 21:50
yep i have a bloody nose. and it's not a "holy crap random bloody nose!!!" it's a wtf?! i fucking slipped whilst lleaning over and my fucking finger rammed into my nose and my fingernail made it bleed. this sucks. anyways, today was it. the final class and i'm officially on christmas break except for the fact that i have to get u pand meet my advisor at ten tomorrow. i know that it could be worse and she could want to meet at like 7 or some shit like that but i was so looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. i even bragged about it tonight. UGH. well, anyways, just thought i'd mention that i have now officially been in a relationship for a fucking long ass time a.k.a. a year and two months. that's a loooooong time for me. anywho. my bed beckons.
da bears... 12-11-06 23:17
so i went with jack tonight to watch the bears game at his uncle dave's house. it was a load of fun, eh. and surprisingly it wasn't as akward as i presumed it would be. we talked a lot more than i expected. we didn't by any means have a real conversation, but we had a little more than polite small talk. which is good i suppose. not that it means anything is going to change. i mean, we can be civil with each other and not make an event a terribly akward situation. i just don't see it being any more than that again. you can only give someone so many chances. anywho, i LOVE LOVE LOVE jack's family. there are so much fun. and i'm totally past that akward, shy only talk to jack when i'm there phase and i can totally joke around with his uncles and it's awesome. not to mention the bears won tonight! we have 3 more games to play and as far as i'm concerned they're all going to be wins. especially the packers with there 4 and 9 record i believe it is. can't wait to throw that one in ben's face. YES! so ben is 21 now. crazy! and he totally didn't get wasted which i think is awesome. he went to bar and drank a beer while watching a packers game. that's it. one beer. i think that sounds like a good way to spend a 21st birthday. well, except for the fact that it was a packers game!! i totally had an awesome time with jolene the other night!! it was so good to talk about so much stuff that we hadn't ever had the chance to talk about. and i'm so glad that she's happy and i'm not concerned because she has really matured. i'm very proud of her. anyways, that's about all for tonight. it's a bit late for me.

g'night all!
peppermint mocha 12-05-06 23:14
i am writing this post because i am not tired. i went to starbucks at like 10 which i found to be not such and incredible idea. anyways, then i went to jacks house and since his mom is out of town i was there til really late. anyways, she was there and we didn't speak a single word to each other. all i get anymore are nasty looks. i'm okay with the not talking, but come on, i don't throw those looks your way. it's just, i put a lot into our friendship. i would bring her soup when she had a bad day or when she was sick. i took her to chicago to see wicked. all i asked for in return was for her to be a friend but somehow she couldn't even manage that.she told me she didn't want to hear me talk about jack, and she said she didn't want to hear me talk about calyn. yet i sat through endless conversations about kyle and believe it or not even more about calyn. i never said that i was tired of hearing it. if she needed to talk about something i would listen, as much as she wanted. but she couldn't even do that for me. she couldn't even be nice to me. she said she acted bitchy to me and said the comments she said because i was like a little sister to her. but guess what, i'm not her little sister i just wanted to be her f friend. do i miss her? yeah, in a way. i miss who she used to be. the person who wasn't constantly complaining. she never had anything positive to say. it's really hard to be around someone who's so negative so much of the time. it was really bringing me down. she just talked down to me. it sucks when you have friends who are like a year or two older, but think they are ten years wiser. i hope i don't sound like that to my younger friends. i really hope i don't. i think that they should do what makes the happy even if i don't think it's the best decision. i probably shouldn't post this cause people will probably read it and then there will just be so much drama, but i don't really care anymore. i didn't write anything in here that i haven't said to somebody. i think it's funny that people can't wait to get out of high school so they can get away from the drama. they're only kidding themselves (i was that person). when you're in college it's the same drama only everyone thinks they're so much more mature and that they handle it like adults when the truth is they handle it just like they're in high school (i'm guilty. everyone is). it's like high school is an excuse for the drama. i just want to distance myself from the people in my life that i seem to have alot of drama with. i don't want it right now. there comes a point when you can only handle so much. but with everything that i've gotten myself and my parents into this semester i know that the drama is far from over. i'm bound to get blamed for what happens. i know that i will. but i simply don't have any control over the situation. it's out my hands. i just want my friends to come home for christmas. i got lucky enough to have a month with one but only a short couple of weeks with the other. i really miss high school. hanging out every weekend. the activities, i was so involved and there was so much school spirit. i hate school right now. i hate everything about it and i just don't want to be there anymore. sometimes i wish i would have gone to a small school and lived in a dorm and rushed a soroity. i just want to be involved again. my goal for next semester: join a club.

and with that i say goodnight.
it's like deja vu 11-30-06 21:02
so we're back together. we just can't seem to fully give up on each other. this time we did what everyone said. we gave it a couple weeks. he's really been trying it doesn't make up for it, it can't, but i can't say that i didn't understand what he was going through. i did the same thing to him a year ago. he was just confused and had so many other things going on. but he's really trying to make it up to me and it means alot. our relationship is boring for the most part, but every now and then it gets quite dramatic. it's hard to not overreact when you feel so strongly about someone. it sucks. sometimes i really freaking hate being a girl cuz at times i get so emotional and ridiculous. sometimes i just HATE the way i act but i can't help it. ugh!! stupidly womanly hormones!!! anyways....that's life.
11-10-06 18:58
so, the boyfriend that i so lamely wrote about last time is no longer my boyfriend. i want to be strong this time, i just want to be angry, but i'm hardly mad at him at all. i want to talk to him, i want him to hold and i want everything to be okay. i just don't know what to do right now. part of says it should be over forever (the smart part of me) but i just can't help thinking that if he asked i would take him back in a heartbeat. part of me even wants to beg him to take me back. i know that i'm so pathetic right now but i'm just hurting. i've been really okay up until tonight and i just broke down. i just feel like i need him. i'm sure i don't, but he's been my best friend for two years even though we've only been dating for one of them. i love him with all my heart and i wish that i didn't because it's making everything that much worse. i just, want to go back in time, i want to think that he wasn't pretending or that he wasn't lying to me. i just want to forgive him completely and for everything to be the way it used to be. the worst part is that i don't even know if it can ever be the same. i've trustes him with my heart and he's shattered it twice. i know that if he could do that then he doesn't really love me as much as he says he does. i'm not mad at him at all and i hate myself. i hate myself for loving him so much, for giving so much of myself to him. right now i feel like my lungs are going to collapse. i just don't know what to do.
elowel time 11-07-06 19:41
get ready for a completely lame post about my boyfriend.

this school year has been hard for us so far but it's only made us stronger as a couple. and so far this year he is the one person that has been there for me one hundred percent. he hasn't criticized or judged, he's only been concerned with my happiness. i love that he cares so much for me and my well being. which is why i want so badly for him to succeed. i'm trying so hard to help him through this school year. well, trying to help him but not pushing so hard that he hates me. it's hard to find a happy medium. he's doing better and i'm really glad, i just wish that he hadn't let it go this far. i want him to fully enjoy his senior year. i also think that it's complete shit that mrs. wiig (drama teacher) kicked him out of the musical. he's spent his entire high school career working up to this point just so he can have the lead his senior year. he's done every show. she already disrespected him by not making him the lead, but then to add insult to injury she kicks him out. some teachers think that it is their purpose in life to teach each and every child a life lesson. i hate when they think so highly of themselves. he didn't deserve that. i just want the best for him (as corny as it sounds). it comes with loving someone so much. i'll deal, he's worth it.
uh.... 10-30-06 21:32
okay i didn't think i would really use this thing but i'm going to anyways.

i wish that jack didn't have such a hard time with school. i just don't know what to do to help him. he just has something wrong with him. he has to. there's no other way to explain it and it just hurts so bad to sit back and watch him fail knowing that i'm helpless. he wants it so bad and he just gets so frustrated. i just wish that i could understand. i need answers.

in other news, don't room with your best friend. i know people say that all the time and you think, "no, we can do it." you can't. especially don't move in if you haven't been getting along anyways. also, if your roommates boyfriend spends the night every single night, say something. i didn't sign up to live with a guy i don't know why i should have to. then he brings his friends over and then they have parties and i HATE it. i was told that i was close minded becuase i didn't want to be friends with his friends just because they are his friends. well, there's a reason. they drink and smoke all the time and i don't want to be around it becuase that is a lifestyle that i have chosen not to partake in. they have a party every weekend and i'm just sick of it. the found another roommate without even running it by me. i'm starting to think this was (in the words of sarah fred) a b-a-d idea. the thing that sucks for them is that if i move out, that house isn't top priority. they're violating terms of the lease and the only reason my dad is letting them stay is becuase of me. i just can't stand them anymore. i don't get along with either of them and they are just straight up fake to each other. i hate that house and i don't want to live there anymore. i'm over it. if i love at home i'm closer to jack, it's cheaper, there's free food and satelite tv. my parents don't give a shit what i do. i don't know why i left in the first place.
10-25-06 21:27
so i'm new to this whole elowel thing. it's recently discovered. hopefully this is one of those that no one finds. although judging by how i found this (i googled a random friend's name (lame i know!!!) and found a completely different friend's (one of my BEST friends) blog) that's not gonna happen. i don't know that anyone will understand what i just typed. but ANYWAYS, i found out some interesting stuff. aparently i completely manipulated my boyfriend into getting back together with me. we had been dating for 8 months and he broke up with me. naturally i was crushed. my first love, my first heartbreak. i wanted my friends to be there for me yes, but the only person i wanted was him. there had been so much drama between all of my friends that he was the only person i was really spending time with (which was the reason he couldn't deal with me anymore, understandable). anyways, my friends were great through it, even one with whom i had recently had a rocky relationship. after 4 days of me being sad but still going out and having fun, one of them expected me to be over it. HOW COULD I BE?!?! i hung out with him every day so after he dumped me what was i supposed to do? we got back together needless to say. (she thinks i manipulated him into it) but we've been dating for 4 months after we broke up. well fuck! maybe i've been manipulating him this whole time!!! please! we've been together a year now, a roller coaster of a year but definitely the best of my life. he's my best friend and the ONLY person i can tell everything to.

my friend who wrote this is someone very close to my heart. and i knew most of what she had written, she hadn't been afraid to tell me. but it hurts a little that she said, and i quote, "I KNOW she manipulated him." damn! AND she used all caps ouch.

but i've come to learn that it's just how she is.
Hello, 10-15-06 23:16
My name is keepingtime. I'm new to elowel.